September 30, 2026
Host
You bring up something that hurt you, you rehearsed it in the shower, edited it while driving, and softened it so much your complaint is wearing slippers. Then you say, 'When you embarrassed me in front of everyone, it hurt.' And somehow twenty minutes later, you're apologizing for bringing it up. Welcome to the podcast where we talk about the conversation that goes everywhere except toward accountability. I'm Shannon Alder, life coach and author of The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible, and today I am joined by the amazing Jake O'Connel to dive deep into ten manipulation phrases used to avoid accountability, and how Christians can respond with wisdom, boundaries, and faith. Jake, welcome!
Guest
Shannon, it is so good to be here again, and I have to say your opening just had me nodding. That whole scene where you end up apologizing for being hurt—it's like a courtroom where the defendant appointed themselves judge. I've seen it a hundred times in pastoral care.
Host
And um that's exactly why we're doing this episode. Now before we jump into the ten phrases, let me give a quick hook to our listeners out there. If you have ever walked away from a conversation feeling more confused, more guilty, and more exhausted than when you started, this episode is for you. And if you love it, don't forget to subscribe on YouTube at The Toxic Relationship Podcast—hit that bell so you never miss an episode. Now Jake, one thing I always clarify: a phrase alone does not mean someone has narcissistic personality disorder. It's the pattern, right?
Guest
Absolutely, Shannon. Ordinary people get defensive sometimes, and they say a hurtful thing in the moment. But the difference is whether they eventually listen, take responsibility, and change. A consistent pattern of evading accountability, flipping blame, and making you question your own sanity—that's where the red flags multiply.
Host
And um we also have to be careful not to claim we know precisely what God wants in every single relationship. But Scripture gives us clear principles: speak truth, practice humility, look for the fruit of repentance, and pursue peace without pretending wrongdoing is acceptable. Being a Christian does not require you to become excellent at being mistreated. So let's start with phrase number one: 'You're too sensitive.' Jake, unpack that for us.
Guest
This one is a classic. You explain that a comment hurt, and suddenly your sensitivity is the problem. It's like someone throws a rock at your window and then complains that your glass is too fragile. Ephesians 4:29 says our words should build people up according to their needs. That gives us a standard far beyond 'was it funny to me?' A practical response is, 'I'm willing to discuss what happened, but calling me too sensitive doesn't address what you said.' You don't need to prove the whole world would be hurt.
Host
I love that. And spiritually, we ask God for discernment. Sometimes we misunderstand each other, sometimes we need thicker skin, and sometimes someone else needs kinder words. Humility allows us to consider all three. Phrase number two: 'I was just joking.' This one arrives right after a public insult, and suddenly you're accused of ruining the fun.
Guest
Oh, the classic 'you can't take a joke' defense. Proverbs 26:18–19 actually describes a person who deceives a neighbor and then says, 'I was only joking.' Scripture recognizes that humor does not erase responsibility. You can say, 'You may have intended humor, but I'm asking you to stop making comments about that.' Notice how little explaining that requires. And if they continue, you act on the boundary—leave the room, end the call.
Host
Right, because a joke that repeatedly humiliates one person and entertains the other isn't connection; it's cruelty wearing a party hat. Now phrase three: 'You made me do it.' You made me yell, you made me lie, you made me say those things. Jake, this hands you responsibility for someone else's choice.
Guest
And it's exhausting. If every unpleasant feeling gives someone permission to mistreat you, you'll spend your entire life trying to keep them comfortable enough to behave. Galatians 6:5 says each person will carry their own load. You can own your part: 'I shouldn't have interrupted, I'm sorry.' But then you keep the two issues distinct: 'We still need to address the names you called me.' Your confession is not a receipt proving all wrongdoing belongs to you.
Host
That's powerful. And I often tell people to pray, 'Lord, show me what is mine to repair, and help me stop carrying what belongs to someone else.' Now phrase four: 'That never happened.' You remember the words, you remember where you were standing, and they announce none of it happened. Jake, what's going on there?
Guest
People can honestly remember events differently—that's human. But repeated denial used to shut down discussion, especially when the story changes with evidence, is manipulation. Ephesians 4:25 calls believers to put away falsehood and speak truthfully. A grounded response is, 'We remember this differently. I'm not going to keep arguing about my memory. I'm deciding what I need going forward.' For key arrangements, written text helps. But don't turn your life into a courtroom drama.
Host
Yes, you do not need to win an argument about every past incident before deciding a pattern is damaging your trust. God's invitation to truth includes telling yourself the truth about what you are experiencing. Phrase five: 'After everything I've done for you.' And out comes the emotional invoice from 2009.
Guest
Ah, the lifetime immunity clause on a car ride. First Corinthians 13:5 says love does not insist on its own way. Generosity that demands unquestioning obedience has moved away from love. You can say, 'I appreciate what you've done, but I still need to talk about what happened.' Both statements are true. And you may need to reconsider accepting help that consistently becomes a means of control. A gift should not require you to call hurtful behavior loving.
Host
That's so important, especially when financial dependence is involved. Take manageable steps rather than condemning yourself for needing support. Now phrase six: 'You do it too.' They immediately produce something you did, maybe from a time so long ago you need historical clothing to remember it.
Guest
This is the classic spotlight shift. Healthy accountability allows room for both concerns, but avoidance uses your imperfections to prevent examining theirs. Matthew 7:3–5 calls us to remove the log from our own eye first—but that's for both people. You can say, 'If I've done that, I want to address it. Let's finish this, then we can discuss yours.' And mean it. You can even set another time for their complaint. God doesn't require you to be perfect before you name a problem.
Host
Phrase seven: 'I'm sorry you feel that way.' It sounds close to an apology. It has the right opening words, even a sigh, but it never reaches what the person did. Jake, how do we respond?
Guest
A meaningful apology names the behavior: 'I shared your private information. That was wrong.' Luke 3:8 connects repentance with fruit—evidence beyond a statement. Say, 'I appreciate that you recognize I'm hurt. Are you willing to acknowledge what you did and say how it will change?' Look for specificity and follow-through. A dramatic apology followed by the same behavior is still the same behavior. Christian forgiveness deserves serious thought, but restored trust grows through consistent conduct.
Host
Phrase eight: 'You're holding a grudge.' Sometimes you are holding a grudge, and we all need to examine resentment honestly. But sometimes you have simply stopped giving someone unlimited opportunities to repeat harm. You share less, shorten visits, stop lending money—now your precaution is called bitterness.
Guest
Romans 12:18 tells us to live peaceably as far as it depends on us—and that recognizes peace involves more than one person. Romans 12 also directs us away from revenge, but you can obey that while taking sensible precautions. Ask two separate questions: Am I trying to punish this person? And what arrangement would reduce further harm? Those questions distinguish vengeance from protection. Bring anger to God honestly—you don't need to pretend you feel serene while your jaw is clenched.
Host
Now phrase nine is where faith gets weaponized: 'A real Christian would forgive me.' They may mention honoring parents, turning the other cheek. Jake, this is a big one for our listeners.
Guest
It's spiritual abuse, plain and simple. Luke 17:3–4 includes both confronting wrongdoing and forgiving—naming sin is not an enemy of grace. Ephesians 5:21 speaks of mutual submission. You can respond, 'My faith calls me to forgiveness and truth. I'm willing to discuss both, but I will not use Scripture to avoid addressing what happened.' And please, do not let the person benefiting from your silence become your only interpreter of God's will. Seek counsel from a trusted pastor or counselor who takes harm seriously.
Host
And if confrontation brings threats or danger, get support before attempting it. A difficult conversation is not something you must do alone to prove your faith. Phrase ten: 'Fine. I guess I'm just a terrible person.' Suddenly they announce the collapse of their entire moral character, and you're reassuring them while your concern waits in the corner for retirement.
Guest
Some say this from genuine shame, others from redirection. Second Corinthians 7:10–11 distinguishes godly sorrow by what it produces—earnestness about addressing wrongdoing. Accountability doesn't require someone to declare themselves worthless; it requires addressing a specific action. Say, 'I'm not saying you're a terrible person. I'm asking you to take responsibility for this behavior.' Compassion makes room for discomfort, but not for abandoning the conversation every time responsibility feels painful.
Host
And if someone threatens self-harm, take it seriously and involve crisis support. You should not have to manage that threat by surrendering your boundary. So Jake, let's step back: what should someone do spiritually when facing these phrases over and over?
Guest
Start by slowing down. You don't have to answer every accusation immediately. Breathe, pray, return when you can think clearly. James 1:19 says be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. That applies to you—and to the person demanding that you listen. Then name the behavior plainly: 'When I bring up a concern, you call me names.' Simple language keeps focus. And choose a response you can actually carry out: 'If the name-calling continues, I'll end the call.'
Host
Yes, boundaries are only useful with follow-through. And then watch the fruit over time: honesty, repaired harm, respect for limits. You cannot make another person repent by explaining beautifully enough. If you've spent years trying, that may be painful to accept, but it frees you to put energy into what God entrusted to you.
Host
Jake, one question I get all the time: Is it possible to get a narcissist to be accountable? Give us the honest answer.
Guest
Shannon, I wish I could give a simple yes, but the truth is accountability requires internal conviction, and many narcissistic patterns resist that deeply. You can set boundaries, you can state truth, you can offer a path to repair—but you cannot force repentance. Sometimes the most faithful thing is to endure with wisdom, like the persistent widow in Luke 18, never giving up on justice while also protecting your soul. Other times, when harm is continual and there is no authentic change, separation may be necessary. First Corinthians 7:15 says if an unbelieving partner leaves, a believer is not bound—and by extension, safety and sanity matter to God.
Guest
Look at Abigail in First Samuel 25. Her husband Nabal was foolish and harsh. She didn't just absorb his abuse; she acted wisely, protected her household, and eventually God dealt with Nabal. Scripture is full of people who set boundaries against destructive behavior while staying faithful to God.
Host
That's so good. And for those in that hard place, we have a community where you don't have to figure this out alone. I want to invite everyone to join Staying Positive University—it's a tribe for abuse victims, a space of healing, education, and encouragement. You can find it at shannonalder.com. While you're there, subscribe to get 20% off my next book coming out in July of 2027. Jake, why is community so vital in this journey?
Guest
Because manipulation thrives in isolation. Galatians 6:2 says bear one another's burdens. When you have wise, safe people who can reflect reality back to you, the fog lifts. A narcissist wants you to question yourself; a healthy community helps you remember who you are in Christ.
Host
And before we wrap, let me remind everyone: subscribe on YouTube at The Toxic Relationship Podcast—that helps us reach more people who need these truths. And again, shannonalder.com for that 20% off my next book coming July 2027. Also join out tribe on Facebook join Staying Positive University. Jake, any final scripture or story for someone listening right now who feels trapped in this cycle?
Guest
I love Psalm 34:18—'The Lord is near to the brokenhearted.' You are not forgotten. And remember the story of Joseph: his brothers meant evil, but God meant it for good. That doesn't erase the pain or excuse the abuser, but it means your story is not over. Keep walking with wisdom, and trust that God sees.
Host
Amen. And let me close with a quick prayer for our listeners. Heavenly Father, help us hear truth beneath the noise of accusation. Give us humility to own our mistakes and wisdom to recognize responsibility that is not ours. Keep our hearts from revenge, strengthen us to speak plainly, and help us follow through on healthy boundaries. When someone uses faith to pressure us, guide us back to Your Word. Help us love with wisdom and walk in peace. In Jesus' name, amen. Thank you, Jake, for joining us today. And thank you all for listening—until next time, stay anchored in truth, set your boundaries with love, and remember you are worth more than any manipulative phrase can ever take from you. God bless.