September 24, 2026
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The argument was over by Tuesday. By Friday, he was still speaking to the dog. The dog hadn't apologized. The dog hadn't agreed to change. The dog had eaten a sock and received a warmer greeting than you had all week. If you've lived through the silent treatment, you know the silence can get loud. You hear it in the dishes set down a little too hard. You feel it when someone walks into a room, sees you, and turns around. Soon you're rehearsing apologies for things you're no longer sure you did.
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Welcome to The Toxic Relationships Podcast. I'm Shannon Alder, a life coach and author of The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible. Today we're talking about ten signs the silent treatment has crossed from taking space into emotional abuse. Before we begin, there's a difference between saying, 'I'm upset and need an hour to calm down,' and disappearing emotionally until someone gives in. Everyone needs room to cool off sometimes. Healthy space comes with an explanation and a willingness to return to the conversation. The silent treatment leaves you guessing whether the conversation will ever return.
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Let's start with the first sign: silence is used to punish you. You disagree, ask a question, or say no. Suddenly, the person who could discuss dinner plans five minutes ago cannot acknowledge that you exist. The point is no longer to work through the disagreement. The point is for you to feel the cost of having one. A caring partner can be upset with you and still treat you like a person. You shouldn't have to agree with everything they say to earn a 'Good morning, right?
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Second, you have to guess what you did wrong. 'Are you upset with me?' Silence. 'Was it what I said at dinner?' More silence. You begin reviewing every word you've spoken since Thursday, including a comment about the weather that now seems suspiciously bold. If someone wants to resolve a hurt, they have to tell you what the hurt is. Expecting you to solve a mystery without clues keeps you anxious and gives them control over when you're allowed to feel at ease. Scripture encourages us to be quick to listen and slow to speak and become angry, from James chapter one, verses nineteen and twenty. Listening and speaking both require showing up for the conversation.
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and um The third sign: the silence lasts until you surrender. Notice when the silence ends. Is it when you've both had time to think and are ready to talk? Or is it when you apologize, cancel your plans, hand over your phone, or agree to whatever they wanted? If warmth returns only after you give in, the silence is teaching you a lesson: your needs make love go away. That is a painful lesson, especially for a woman trying to keep peace in her home. Peace, though, is not the same as one person swallowing every concern while the other gets their way.
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and Fourth, they are friendly to everyone except you. At church, they greet people at the door. They ask a friend about her new job. They may even offer to help stack chairs. On the drive home, you ask a simple question and get the same icy stare you got at breakfast. That change can make you doubt yourself. You may think, everyone else finds them kind. Maybe I'm causing this. Their kindness to other people doesn't erase what's happening between the two of you. You are allowed to take your own experience seriously.
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okay, Sign number five: they refuse to discuss ordinary responsibilities. Silence becomes especially harmful when it reaches the practical parts of your shared life. You can't get an answer about picking up the kids, paying a bill, or whether they'll be home for dinner. You're left to make every decision and then worry you'll be blamed for making it. A disagreement does not cancel someone's responsibilities. Even when emotions are high, adults can exchange the information needed to care for a household and the people in it.
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Sixth, they act as if you're cruel for asking to talk. You wait. You give them time. Eventually you say, 'Can we talk about what happened?' Now the problem, apparently, is that you asked. Wanting to understand a conflict is reasonable. You can respect someone's need for a break and still ask when they'll be ready to reconnect. A clear answer might be, 'I need tonight. Let's talk tomorrow after work.' An answer that never comes leaves you carrying the conflict alone. Jesus' teaching about addressing a wrong begins with going to the person and talking about it, from Matthew chapter eighteen, verse fifteen. That doesn't mean every talk will be easy. It does show the value of honest conversation.
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lets dive into the Seventh sign, you apologize just to make the house feel normal again. At first, you try to figure out whether you owe an apology. After a while, you stop caring who was right. You just want the kitchen to feel like a kitchen again. So you say, 'I'm sorry.' Perhaps you are sorry for your tone. Perhaps you have no idea what you're apologizing for. You only know the silence might end if you do. It's good to own your mistakes. It's painful to be pushed into accepting blame for things you don't understand, simply to restore warmth. If this happens often, your apologies may be telling you something about how hard you're working to feel safe.
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Eighth, affection returns without resolution. One morning they start chatting again. They send you a funny video. They ask whether you want tacos. Part of you is relieved; another part is still standing in yesterday's argument, holding a question nobody answered. You're afraid to bring it up because the silence might start again. Reconnection can feel wonderful. It also needs room for accountability. Otherwise, the same wound keeps reopening under a fresh layer of taco night.
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Ninth, you begin changing yourself to avoid the next freeze. You stop mentioning things that matter to you. You check their expression before deciding whether to tell a story. You say yes when you want to say no because a week of tension sounds harder than one unwanted favor. Perhaps you've always thought of yourself as funny and relaxed, yet at home you feel watchful and small. Pay attention to that change. The goal of a relationship is not to become so careful that you never upset the other person. Love leaves room for two people to have thoughts, limits, and imperfect days.
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And finally Tenth, your faith is used to keep you quiet. Maybe you hear, 'A Christian wife would be more forgiving,' or, 'If you really wanted peace, you'd stop bringing this up.' Sometimes no one says it aloud. You say it to yourself because you want to be gracious, and you worry that setting a boundary means you're failing God. Christian women are called to kindness. We are also called to honesty. Ephesians speaks about truthful, constructive speech and about handling anger without letting it become sin, from Ephesians chapter four, verses twenty-five through thirty-two. Those words give us something to practice; they are not a reason for one person to demand silence from the other. Forgiveness can be part of healing. It does not require you to pretend a pattern is harmless or to keep agreeing to it.
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What can you say? If it feels safe to do so, you might try something simple: 'I understand that you need time to cool down. Please tell me when we can talk. I'm willing to discuss what happened, but I can't keep guessing for days.' Then notice what happens. You do not need to find a magic combination of words that makes another person willing to communicate. If the pattern continues, talk with someone trustworthy who will listen carefully and help you think through your options.
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And if you recognize yourself in these signs, please hear me: needing a conversation does not make you needy. Feeling hurt by repeated silence does not make you dramatic. You deserve relationships where a disagreement can be faced without making you wonder whether you're still loved.
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Before I go, I want to tell you what's coming next. In our next episode, I'll be joined by Caleb Hayes, my new trial cohost. Caleb is a Bible studies student with a deep love for spiritual conversations. He'll bring his perspective to the show and pick up where Pastor Jake O'Connell left off. I hope you'll join us and get to know him.
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We also really need your help building our community on YouTube. Please stop by The Toxic Relationships Podcast channel and subscribe. If you like our videos, click the thumbs-up icon—it helps other women find these conversations, too. And visit shannonalder.com to subscribe for 20% off my new book about life after leaving a narcissist, coming in 2027.
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Until next time, may God give you the courage to speak honestly, the wisdom to recognize love in action, and the peace of knowing you never have to earn your right to be heard.