September 21, 2026
Host
Have you ever laughed along with a joke that left you feeling small, confused, maybe even a bit humiliated? And when you tried to say something, you heard, 'You're too sensitive, I was only joking.' That phrase can make you doubt your own experience, but your heart already knows the truth. Today we're diving deep into a topic that hides in plain sight: verbal abuse disguised as humor. And trust me, um, it's not as rare as we'd like to think, you know?
Guest
That's a powerful opening, and honestly, um, I think a lot of folks have felt that sting but never had the words to name it. It's like, you know, you're supposed to be having a good time, but something inside you just tightens up, and you kind of force a laugh.
Host
Absolutely. And before we go any further, let me introduce myself. I'm Shannon Alder, life coach and author of the book The Narcissistic abuse recovery Bible. I've spent years helping people recognize toxic patterns and find their voice again. And today I have a very special co-host joining me, someone I think you'll really enjoy.
Guest
I'm really glad to be here, Shannon. This is a subject I care about deeply, and, um, I think we can shed some light on it, especially from a spiritual angle, you know?
Host
Well, I'm thrilled to have him. Everyone, meet Caleb Hayes. Caleb is a sophomore in college, majoring in Bible studies, and he wants to be a pastor. He loves school, and he's here to offer some spiritual advice as we unpack this heavy but necessary topic, so please give him a warm welcome.
Guest
Thanks, Shannon. Yeah, I'm excited to be on the podcast today. I've been studying scripture and, um, I think God's word has a lot to say about how we treat each other, even in the little things like joking around, because words carry weight, right?
Host
That's so true. And just so you all know, we're trying out Caleb for a few episodes. So if you think he did a good job today, please leave a comment and let us know. We'd love to keep him around, because he brings a fresh perspective that I think is needed.
Guest
I appreciate that, and I'll do my best. So, Shannon, where do we even start with something like this? Because humor is supposed to be fun, right? But sometimes it turns into something else, something kind of dark.
Host
It is. Healthy humor builds connection, gives us a safe place to laugh at life's awkward moments. But abusive humor? It uses laughter as a mask for contempt, criticism, humiliation, or control. The person might laugh after insulting you, others might join in, and then when you react, suddenly the focus shifts from what was said to how you responded, which is a classic deflection.
Guest
Yeah, and you get accused of being overly emotional, insecure, dramatic, or not being able to take a joke. But adding laughter to cruelty doesn't make it kind. Proverbs 12:18 says, 'The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.' That really puts it into perspective.
Host
Exactly. So the real test isn't just whether someone laughs. It's: Does it bring people closer? Does it preserve dignity? Can both people enjoy it? And does the person stop when asked? If the answer is no to any of those, then we might be dealing with something more than a joke, something that's actually harmful.
Guest
That's a great framework. And you've outlined ten signs that verbal abuse might be hiding behind humor. Let's walk through them, because I think a lot of people will recognize these patterns in their own relationships, maybe even with family or friends.
Host
Let's do it. Sign number one: the joke targets your deepest insecurities. The person knows you feel vulnerable about your appearance, intelligence, parenting, faith, past, career, or relationships, and they repeatedly joke about that exact subject, almost like they're pressing a button they know will hurt.
Guest
Ouch. And they might say things like, 'I'm surprised you understood that,' or 'You're looking a little rough today,' or even 'It's a good thing I love you, because no one else could tolerate you.' Then when you're hurt, they say they were just teasing, but it doesn't feel like teasing at all, does it?
Host
Loving humor doesn't deliberately press on an emotional bruise. A person who cares about you will protect your vulnerable places, not use them as material. Proverbs 15:4 says, 'The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.' So there's a clear biblical contrast between healing and crushing words.
Guest
That's so important. Sign two: everyone laughs except you. Playful teasing is usually mutual, both people feel included and respected. But abusive humor turns one person into the entertainment. You might force a smile to hide your embarrassment, laughing just to avoid a scene, because you don't want to be the one who ruins the fun, you know?
Host
And if the humor regularly requires your humiliation, you're not sharing a joke, you're being used as the target. Sign three: they insult you and then criticize your reaction. When you express hurt, they attack your character instead of considering the impact of their words, which is a form of gaslighting, really.
Guest
They'll say, 'You have no sense of humor,' 'You always ruin everything,' 'You're too sensitive,' 'I have to walk on eggshells around you,' 'You make a big deal out of nothing.' That shifts the responsibility away from their hurtful behavior and onto you, making you the problem instead of the joke itself.
Host
And then the conversation stops being about what they said and becomes an argument about whether you have the right to feel hurt. But your feelings aren't weakness, they're information. Sign four: the humor contains a real accusation, which is sneaky because it hides truth in a joke.
Guest
Right. Some people use jokes to say what they truly believe while avoiding accountability. They might jokingly call you lazy, selfish, stupid, controlling, unattractive, unstable, or a bad Christian. If you object, they retreat behind humor. If you stay silent, the accusation stands, and they win either way.
Host
That gives them two advantages: they wound you and deny intent. Jesus said, 'For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.' A joke may be light, but it can carry serious contempt. Sign five: they embarrass you in front of other people, which can be especially painful in close communities like churches or families.
Guest
They save their most cutting remarks for family gatherings, church activities, parties, or social media. They might share private info, retell an embarrassing story, imitate you, or make you the punchline. Public humiliation creates a power imbalance, and you're left feeling exposed and small.
Host
You either stay silent or confront them in front of everyone, and either response gets used against you. Someone who respects you won't repeatedly sacrifice your dignity for attention. Sign six: they continue after you ask them to stop, which is a clear boundary violation that should never be dismissed.
Guest
A healthy person might accidentally hurt you with a joke, but they'll apologize and change. An unhealthy response is, 'I can say whatever I want.' A boundary doesn't require them to understand your pain perfectly, only to respect it. Luke 6:31 says, 'Do to others as you would have them do to you.' That's the golden rule, and it applies to jokes too.
Host
When someone continues after you've clearly asked them to stop, it's no longer an innocent misunderstanding. Sign seven: they disguise threats as jokes. Things like, 'If you ever leave me, you'll regret it,' or 'One of these days, I might just disappear with the kids.' Those are not funny, not at all.
Guest
Or 'Keep spending like that, and I'll cut you off,' or 'You're lucky I don't tell everyone what you're really like.' Then they smile and say, 'Relax, I'm kidding.' But a statement that creates fear, communicates punishment, or warns you about consequences shouldn't be dismissed just because it came with a laugh. That's serious.
Host
If a joke makes you fear for your safety, finances, children, reputation, or freedom, take that seriously and seek qualified support. Sign eight: the joking only goes in one direction. They expect you to tolerate constant teasing, but they get angry if anyone jokes about them, which is a huge red flag of a power imbalance.
Guest
They might sulk, retaliate, or withdraw affection, accusing you of disrespect. That double standard shows the goal isn't shared laughter, it's power. Healthy relationships allow both people to have dignity and express discomfort, and that's what we should aim for.
Host
Sign nine: they use humor to undermine your faith. They might mock your prayers, ridicule your relationship with God, criticize your church involvement, or use religious language sarcastically. Like saying, 'I guess God told you that,' or 'Look who suddenly became so holy.' That can be deeply wounding for a believer.
Guest
Even, 'A good Christian wouldn't be upset about a joke,' or 'Maybe you need to pray about your attitude.' That's not spiritual guidance, it's ridicule or manipulation dressed in religious language. And God doesn't require you to accept degrading treatment to prove you're forgiving or humble. That's a lie the enemy wants you to believe.
Host
Biblical love does not dishonor others and is not delighted by wrongdoing, as 1 Corinthians says. Sign ten: you are always bracing for the next punchline. Your body might recognize the pattern before your mind names it. You watch their face, tone, or alcohol consumption, always on edge, which is exhausting.
Guest
You rehearse responses before gatherings, avoid certain subjects because they might become material later, and feel relief when the person leaves the room. Living in constant anticipation of humiliation isn't harmless fun, it's hypervigilance, a protective response when emotional safety is unpredictable. Your nervous system knows something is wrong.
Host
And God created your nervous system to alert you to danger. Healing doesn't start by shaming yourself for noticing harm, it starts by listening honestly to what your mind, body, and spirit have been trying to tell you. Now, let's talk about how Christians can begin to overcome verbal abuse, because there is hope and a way forward.
Guest
First, name the behavior truthfully. Christians are sometimes encouraged to soften harmful behavior by calling it teasing or just a personality difference. But grace doesn't require denial. Jesus combined compassion with truth. You can refuse hatred and still acknowledge harmful words, because truth sets us free.
Host
Naming verbal abuse isn't revenge, it's clarity. Consider writing down what was said, when it happened, who was present, and how they responded when you objected. That helps you see patterns, especially if you've been taught to doubt your perceptions by the very person who is hurting you.
Guest
Then set a simple, specific boundary. A boundary explains what you'll do if the behavior continues, not to control them. You might say, 'I will not stay in conversations where I am being insulted,' or 'Do not joke about my body. If it happens again, I will leave.' That's clear and actionable, and it honors yourself.
Host
Or, 'My private experiences are not stories for you to share publicly,' 'If you call me names, I will end the call,' 'I am willing to talk when we can speak respectfully.' Then follow through calmly and consistently. You don't need to win an argument or persuade them your boundary is reasonable. You just enforce it.
Guest
Matthew 5:37 says, 'Let your yes be yes, and your no, no.' Next, stop defending your right to be hurt. You don't need someone else's permission to recognize that their words harmed you. A long explanation can give them more material to debate or distort, so keep it short and firm.
Host
A brief response works better: 'That was hurtful, and I am not going to argue about whether I should feel hurt.' Their refusal to understand doesn't invalidate your experience. Then separate forgiveness from continued access. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation, and that distinction is crucial.
Guest
Forgiveness isn't pretending the behavior was okay, and it doesn't automatically restore trust or cancel consequences. Reconciliation requires truth, repentance, changed behavior, and rebuilt trust. Even Jesus didn't give everyone the same level of access. John 2:24 says he would not entrust himself to them, because he knew what was in people's hearts.
Host
You can release revenge to God while still maintaining distance from someone who continues to harm you. Next, replace cruel words with God's truth. Repeated ridicule can become an internal voice long after the person stops speaking, and that's when you need to actively counter those lies with scripture.
Guest
You might catch yourself thinking, 'I am stupid,' but God's word says he gives wisdom generously when we ask. 'I am worthless' becomes 'I am God's workmanship.' 'I am too sensitive' becomes 'My emotions deserve understanding and wise care.' 'No one else will love me' becomes 'Nothing can separate me from the love of God.' Those truths rebuild your identity from the inside out.
Host
Scripture shouldn't be used to silence your pain, but to rebuild an identity that cruelty tried to dismantle. Then seek wise and safe support. Isolation makes verbal abuse more powerful. Talk to a trusted friend, a qualified therapist, a pastor, or a support group that understands emotional abuse. You don't have to walk this alone.
Guest
Choose someone who won't pressure you to reconcile prematurely or tell you to endure mistreatment just because you're a Christian. Wise spiritual counsel helps you pursue truth, safety, accountability, and peace, not disappear inside someone else's dysfunction. A good counselor will point you to Jesus, not to more abuse.
Host
And if the abuse includes threats, stalking, coercive control, physical intimidation, or violence, contact a qualified domestic violence service or emergency professional. Couples counseling may not be appropriate when one person is frightened or being controlled. Safety first, always. Your life matters to God.
Guest
Finally, remember that peacekeeping is not the same as peacemaking. Peacekeeping asks you to stay silent so everyone else stays comfortable. Peacemaking brings truth into the light, protects what is good, and refuses to cooperate with harm. God calls us to be peacemakers, not doormats.
Host
Romans 12:18 says, 'If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.' Notice that phrase, 'if it is possible.' Peace requires more than one person's effort. You can control your integrity, but you cannot force someone else to become honest, respectful, or safe. So give yourself grace in that process.
Guest
And there's a beautiful prayer in the article. It says, 'Lord, help me recognize the difference between loving humor and words meant to humiliate or control me. Give me courage to tell the truth about what I have experienced without becoming consumed by bitterness.' That prayer speaks to the heart of healing from this kind of abuse.
Host
Yes, and it goes on: 'Teach me to set boundaries with wisdom and follow through with peace. Replace every cruel message I have internalized with Your truth. Surround me with people who speak with honesty, kindness, and grace.' That's a prayer for community and restoration, not isolation and shame.
Guest
'Remind me that forgiveness does not require me to remain available for repeated harm. Help me release revenge while still protecting the life, dignity, and voice You have given me. Restore the parts of me that learned to laugh while I was hurting. Lead me toward relationships where joy is safe.' That last line gets me every time, because God wants our joy to be safe.
Host
That's so powerful. The final thought from the article is worth repeating: humor should never require you to surrender your dignity. A loving person may make a mistake, but they will care when their words hurt you. They will apologize, learn, and change. That's the mark of someone who truly loves you.
Guest
But a person who repeatedly humiliates you and then blames you for reacting is not merely bad at joking. They may be using humor to avoid accountability for verbal abuse. You are allowed to stop laughing. You are allowed to speak the truth. And you are allowed to protect the heart God entrusted to you. That's your right and your responsibility.
Host
Wow, Caleb, thank you so much for bringing that spiritual perspective. This has been a heavy but necessary conversation, and I hope it helped someone out there recognize these patterns and take steps toward healing. For me, the key takeaway is that you're allowed to stop laughing when humor hurts. You deserve to be treated with dignity, not as a punchline.
Guest
Thank you, Shannon. And before we go, I want to ask everyone listening: if you found this helpful, please subscribe to our YouTube channel to help us build our audience. And if you like this video, give us a thumbs up. Also, visit shannonalder.com and subscribe there to get 20% off her new book coming out in July 2027. It's going to be amazing, and I really think it will help a lot of people find freedom from these toxic patterns.