September 21, 2026
Host
We've all heard it said by a narcissist. They tell you that 'You're too sensitive. or I was only joking.' Those seven words can make you question an experience your heart already knows wasn't funny. Healthy humor builds connection and gives us a safe place to laugh at life's awkward moments and imperfections. But abusive humor does something entirely different—it uses laughter as camouflage for contempt, criticism, humiliation, or even control. The person hurting you may laugh after insulting you, and other people may even join in. Then, when you react, the focus shifts away from what was said and onto your response. Suddenly, you're accused of being overly emotional, insecure, dramatic, or incapable of taking a joke. But adding laughter to cruelty does not make it kind. Scripture reminds us, 'The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing'—Proverbs 12:18. Today we're exploring ten signs that verbal abuse is disguised as humor, and how to respond with truth and grace.
Guest
And the damage isn't just emotional—it can make you doubt your own perception. I've seen how that kind of joking creates confusion, especially when people laugh along. It feels isolating because you start wondering if you're the problem. Too often, the person hiding behind humor knows exactly what they're doing, even if they deny it later. This kind of subtle wounding can erode your sense of self over time.
Host
I'm Shannon Alder, life coach and author of The Narcissistic Bible, and today I'm thrilled to introduce my new cohost, Caleb Hayes. um Caleb is a sophomore studying to bible studies and preparing for pastoral ministry, and he loves school. He'll be sharing spiritual insights with us today. We're trying Caleb out for a few episodes, so please leave a comment and let us know if you think he did a good job—we'd love to keep him around.
Guest
Thank you, Shannon. I'm really happy to be her. um I heard your son Arrow has been out for 1 year serving the lord. And you get to see him in one more year, right? um But I will fill in as your son if you want before he comes home. um As you said, I'm a sophomore taking Bible studies, and I want to be a pastor someday. I love school, diving into Scripture, and helping people understand how God's truth applies to real relationships. I'm honored to cohost this conversation and hopefully offer some spiritual encouragement. I've been looking forward to this topic because so many people silently suffer in relationships where humor becomes a weapon.
Host
Yes, you can be my fill in son., Caleb and Arrow will be home next July. I can't wait to see him. So Welcome Caleb and I am glad to give you this opportunity to be a cohost. My listeners are eager for your spiritual advice. But Before we get into the ten signs, I want to remind everyone that our goal isn't to shame anyone but to help you recognize patterns and find freedom. Humor should never require you to surrender your dignity. And remember, the true test of humor is not simply whether someone laughs, but whether it brings people closer, preserves dignity, can be enjoyed by both, and stops when asked. With that, let's start with sign number one.
Guest
Right, and the first sign is that the 'joke' targets your deepest insecurities. If someone knows you feel vulnerable about your appearance, intelligence, parenting, faith, past, career, or relationships—and they repeatedly joke about that exact subject—that's a red flag. They might say things like, 'I'm surprised you understood that,' or 'You're looking a little rough today,' or even, 'It's a good thing I love you, because no one else could tolerate you.' When you're hurt, they claim they were just teasing. Loving humor does not deliberately press on an emotional bruise.
Host
That's so painful because a person who cares about you will want to protect your vulnerable places, not use them as material. As Proverbs 15:4 says, 'The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.' It really shows that the joke wasn't shared—it was aimed. Another sign is when everyone laughs except you.
Guest
Yes, and sign two is that everyone laughs except you. Playful teasing is usually mutual—both people feel included, respected, and emotionally safe. um But abusive humor turns one person into the entertainment. You might notice everyone laughing while you force a smile to hide your embarrassment. You laugh because you don't want to create an uncomfortable scene, not because the comment was genuinely funny. If the humor regularly requires your humiliation, you're not sharing a joke; you're being used as its target.
Host
That distinction is important. Sign three is when they insult you and then criticize your reaction. When you express hurt, the person doesn't consider the impact of their words. Instead they attack your character: 'You have no sense of humor.' 'You always ruin everything.' 'You're too sensitive.' 'I have to walk on eggshells around you.' 'You make such a big deal out of nothing.' This shifts responsibility away from the hurtful behavior and places it on you. Your feelings do not prove that you are weak; they may be giving you important information.
Guest
Exactly. The conversation stops being about what they said and becomes an argument about whether you have the right to feel hurt. But your feelings aren't proof that you're weak—they may be giving you important information about how you're being treated. On the spiritual side, Jesus taught in Matthew 12:34 that the mouth speaks what the heart is full of, which leads us to sign four: the humor contains a real accusation.
Host
Right. Some people use jokes to say what they truly believe while avoiding accountability. They may jokingly call you lazy, selfish, stupid, controlling, unattractive, unstable, or a bad Christian. If you object, they retreat behind humor. If you remain silent, the accusation is allowed to stand. This gives them two advantages: they can wound you, and they can deny having intended any harm. A joke may be presented lightly while carrying a serious message of contempt.
Guest
That dual advantage is so damaging because it keeps you second-guessing. They can wound you and then act like you're the one overreacting. Sign five builds on this: they embarrass you in front of other people. The person saves their most cutting remarks for family gatherings, church activities, parties, or social media. They may share private information, retell an embarrassing story, imitate you, or make you the punchline. Public humiliation creates a power imbalance, and it's a form of control.
Host
You must choose between remaining silent and confronting the behavior in front of everyone—and either response can then be used against you. Someone who respects you will not repeatedly sacrifice your dignity to gain attention or entertain a room. Then sign six is when they continue after you ask them to stop. When someone repeatedly ignores your 'please stop,' it reveals a lack of respect, not a lack of understanding.
Guest
This is where the difference between a mistake and a pattern becomes clear. A healthy person may accidentally make a joke that hurts you, but a caring response sounds like, 'I'm sorry, I didn't realize that would hurt you. I won't joke about it again.' An unhealthy response sounds like, 'I can say whatever I want.' A boundary doesn't require someone to understand your pain perfectly—it only asks them to respect it. When someone continues after you've clearly asked them to stop, the behavior is no longer an innocent misunderstanding. Luke 6:31 says, 'Do to others as you would have them do to you.'
Host
Sign seven is especially serious: they disguise threats as jokes. Some statements may sound humorous on the surface but leave you feeling afraid—things like, 'If you ever leave me, you'll regret it,' 'One of these days, I might just disappear with the kids,' 'Keep spending money like that, and I'll cut you off,' or 'You're lucky I don't tell everyone what you're really like.' When confronted, the person may smile and say, 'Relax, I'm kidding.'
Guest
A statement that creates fear, communicates punishment, or warns you about what will happen if you disobey should not be dismissed simply because it was delivered with a laugh. If a 'joke' makes you fear for your safety, finances, children, reputation, or freedom, take that concern seriously and seek qualified support. Sign eight is the joking only goes in one direction: they expect you to tolerate constant teasing, but they become angry when anyone jokes about them. They may sulk, retaliate, withdraw affection, or accuse you of disrespect.
Host
That double standard reveals the goal isn't shared laughter—it's power. Healthy relationships allow both people to have dignity, express discomfort, and influence what happens. One person doesn't get unlimited permission to ridicule the other. Sign nine is using humor to undermine your faith. It can feel like a betrayal because your spiritual life should be a place of safety, not ammunition.
Guest
Spiritual beliefs can become targets too. Someone may mock your prayers, ridicule your relationship with God, criticize your church involvement, or use religious language sarcastically—like saying, 'I guess God told you that,' or 'Look who suddenly became so holy,' or 'A good Christian wouldn't be upset about a joke.' This isn't spiritual guidance; it's ridicule or manipulation dressed in religious language. God does not require you to accept degrading treatment to prove you are forgiving, humble, or faithful. First Corinthians 13:5–6 says love does not dishonor others and is not delighted by wrongdoing.
Host
And the final sign, number ten, is when you're always bracing for the next punchline. Your body may recognize the pattern before your mind is ready to name it. You watch the person's face, tone, or alcohol consumption. You rehearse possible responses before gatherings. You avoid certain subjects because you know they may become material later. You feel relief when the person leaves the room. This is hypervigilance, and it's a heavy burden.
Guest
Living in constant anticipation of humiliation isn't harmless fun—it's hypervigilance, a protective response that develops when emotional safety is unpredictable. God created your nervous system to alert you to danger. Healing doesn't begin by shaming yourself for noticing harm; it begins by listening honestly to what your mind, body, and spirit have been trying to tell you. So, Shannon, how can Christians begin to overcome this?
Host
Great question. First, name the behavior truthfully. Christians are sometimes encouraged to soften harmful behavior by calling it 'teasing,' 'a personality difference,' or 'just the way that person communicates.' But grace does not require denial. Jesus combined compassion with truth. You can refuse hatred and still acknowledge that someone's words are harmful. Naming verbal abuse is not revenge—it's clarity. Consider writing down what was said, when it happened, who was present, and how the person responded when you objected. This can help you see patterns more clearly, especially if you have been taught to doubt your perceptions.
Guest
That documentation is empowering. Second, set a simple, specific boundary. A boundary explains what you will do if the behavior continues—it is not an attempt to control the other person. You might say, 'I will not stay in conversations where I am being insulted,' or 'Do not joke about my body. If it happens again, I will leave.' Or, 'My private experiences are not stories for you to share publicly.' Then follow through calmly and consistently. You don't need to deliver a sermon, win an argument, or persuade the person your boundary is reasonable. Matthew 5:37 says, 'Let your yes be yes, and your no, no.'
Host
Third, stop defending your right to be hurt. You don't need another person's permission to recognize that their words harmed you. A long explanation may give an abusive person more material to debate, distort, or ridicule. A brief response can be more effective: 'That was hurtful, and I am not going to argue about whether I should feel hurt.' Their refusal to understand does not invalidate your experience. Fourth, separate forgiveness from continued access.
Guest
Forgiveness is not pretending the behavior was acceptable. It doesn't automatically restore trust, cancel consequences, or require immediate reconciliation. Reconciliation requires truth, repentance, changed behavior, and rebuilt trust. Even Jesus did not give everyone the same level of access—John 2:24 says he would not entrust himself to them because he knew all people. You can release revenge to God while still maintaining distance from someone who continues to harm you. Fifth, replace cruel words with God's truth.
Host
Repeated ridicule can become an internal voice—long after the person stops speaking, you may continue repeating their insults to yourself. Begin identifying those messages and challenging them with truth. 'I am stupid' becomes 'God gives wisdom generously when I ask' from James 1:5. 'I am worthless' becomes 'I am God's workmanship' from Ephesians 2:10. 'I am too sensitive' becomes 'My emotions deserve understanding and wise care.' 'No one else will love me' becomes 'Nothing can separate me from the love of God' from Romans 8:38–39. Scripture should not be used to silence your pain—it can help you rebuild an identity that cruelty tried to dismantle.
Guest
Sixth, seek wise and safe support. Isolation makes verbal abuse more powerful. Consider speaking with a trusted friend, qualified therapist, pastor, domestic-abuse advocate, or support group that understands emotional abuse. Choose someone who won't pressure you to reconcile prematurely or tell you to endure mistreatment simply because you are a Christian. Wise spiritual counsel should help you pursue truth, safety, accountability, and peace—not teach you to disappear inside someone else's dysfunction.
Host
If the verbal abuse includes threats, stalking, coercive control, physical intimidation, or violence, contact a qualified domestic-violence service or emergency professional in your area. Couples counseling may not be appropriate when one person is frightened or being controlled. Seventh, remember that peacekeeping is not the same as peacemaking. Peacekeeping asks you to stay silent so everyone else can remain comfortable.
Guest
Peacemaking brings truth into the light, protects what is good, and refuses to cooperate with harm. Romans 12:18 says, 'If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.' Notice it says 'if it is possible.' Peace requires more than one person's effort. You can control your integrity, but you cannot force someone else to become honest, respectful, or safe. That's a freeing truth for many people.
Host
That leads us to prayer. Would you like to pray for those listening, Caleb? Many listeners have experienced that kind of pain, and they need God's comfort and courage to take the next step toward healing and boundaries. We want to invite God's presence into this conversation and ask for healing over every listener's heart.
Guest
Lord, help me recognize the difference between loving humor and words meant to humiliate or control me. Give me courage to tell the truth about what I have experienced without becoming consumed by bitterness. Teach me to set boundaries with wisdom and follow through with peace. Replace every cruel message I have internalized with Your truth. Surround me with people who speak with honesty, kindness, and grace. Remind me that forgiveness does not require me to remain available for repeated harm. Help me release revenge while still protecting the life, dignity, and voice You have given me. Restore the parts of me that learned to laugh while I was hurting. Lead me toward relationships where joy is safe, love is respectful, and humor brings connection rather than shame. Amen.
Host
Amen. And as we close, remember that humor should never require you to surrender your dignity. A loving person may make a mistake, but they will care when their words hurt you. They will apologize, learn, and change. A person who repeatedly humiliates you and then blames you for reacting is not merely 'bad at joking'—they may be using humor to avoid accountability for verbal abuse. You are allowed to stop laughing. You are allowed to speak the truth. And you are allowed to protect the heart God entrusted to you. Proverbs 4:23 says, 'Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.'
Guest
Thank you, Shannon. I hope this conversation encouraged you and gave you some clarity. If you found this helpful, please subscribe on YouTube The Toxic Podcast Channel so we can build our audience, and if you like the video, give us a thumbs up. Also, visit shannonalder.com and subscribe so you can get 20% off her new book due out in July 2027. Thanks for listening, and God bless.