September 17, 2026
Host
Picture this: your phone lights up, and for one breathless second, you forget the lies, the humiliation, the silent treatment, and the promise you made to yourself never to answer again. Your heart races, your stomach drops, and one message—'I miss you'—feels powerful enough to erase six months of pain. If that sounds familiar, you are not weak or lacking faith. You might be in a trauma bond. Today we're breaking down five ways to break that bond, two minutes at a time. I'm Shannon Alder, host of the Toxic Podcast, life coach and author of the book The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible. I am here today with Pastor Jake O'Connell, and trust me, this is a conversation you don't want to miss.
Guest
Shannon, thank you so much for having me. This topic is so close to my heart because I've walked alongside so many people in my congregation who are wrestling with exactly this—feeling trapped in a bond that their mind knows is harmful, but their body still craves. And I'm excited to dive into the spiritual side of healing today, because God truly meets us in those two-minute moments.
Host
Jake, I think that's the perfect place to start, because so many people, especially Christians, feel ashamed that they still miss the person who hurt them. They think, 'If I really trusted God, I wouldn't feel this pull.' But as a life coach and a survivor, I know that trauma bonding is not a faith failure—it's a nervous system response. Can you speak to that spiritual shame for a moment?
Guest
Absolutely, and you hit the nail on the head. That shame is a lie from the enemy. The psalmist David felt fear, anger, betrayal, and deep loneliness, and he wasn't shy about crying out to God. Faith doesn't mean pretending you're fine—it means bringing the truth of your condition into God's presence. Psalm 34:18 says, 'The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.' He's not standing at a distance waiting for you to get your emotions together. He's right there in the middle of that two-minute wave of panic, holding you. So the first step in breaking a trauma bond is to name the feeling instead of obeying it, and then bring that honest feeling to God without shame.
Host
That is so freeing. I often tell my clients that the urge to contact an abuser is not an instruction—it's just a wave. And research backs that up. Brain imaging shows that when you label an emotion, activity in the amygdala, the fear center, goes down, while the prefrontal cortex, the regulation center, lights up. So literally, saying 'I feel lonely' or 'I feel the urge to text them' creates a little distance between what you feel and what you do. But Jake, how do you help someone turn that into prayer without it becoming a guilt trip?
Guest
Instead of saying, 'I need them,' you say, 'My nervous system is seeking relief.' Instead of 'I can't live without them,' you say, 'I'm experiencing a powerful fear of separation.' Then you pray something like, 'Lord, I feel lonely, frightened, and tempted to return. Help me tolerate this feeling without surrendering my safety.' See, you're not asking God to take the feeling away instantly—you're asking for the strength to survive the wave. That's biblical. Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane didn't pretend he wasn't in agony. He said, 'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.' He named it, and then he surrendered it. That's our model.
Host
And that model leads right into the second strategy: take twelve slow breaths and pray. Now, I know some people hear 'slow breathing' and roll their eyes, thinking it's too simplistic. But there's real science here. Slow breathing influences the autonomic nervous system, reducing that frantic fight-or-flight response. And when you pair it with a breath prayer—like inhaling 'God is with me' and exhaling 'I do not have to respond'—you're calming the body and anchoring the soul simultaneously. Jake, how does this connect to what Paul wrote about a sound mind?
Guest
Second Timothy 1:7 says, 'For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.' When you're in a trauma bond, your mind feels anything but sound—it's hijacked by urgency. That breath prayer is a way of stepping out of the panic and back into the truth that you don't have to respond immediately. You can breathe in, 'Give me wisdom,' and breathe out, 'Lead me toward peace.' It's not a magic formula, but it lowers the emotional intensity enough for you to choose your next step wisely. And remember, Jesus himself withdrew from crowds and refused manipulative demands. He modeled that urgency is not always God's direction.
Host
That's a crucial point—urgency is not godliness. Now the third way is to read a two-minute truth list. This is something I've used with countless clients. A trauma bond makes your mind replay the reunion but edit out the abuse. You remember the apology but forget what required it. You remember being held after the argument but forget being threatened during it. So you write down what actually happened, how you felt most days, the broken promises, the ignored boundaries, and why you left. Then, when the urge hits, you read that list for two minutes. Jake, why is this so spiritually powerful?
Guest
Because Jesus said, 'You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free'—that's John 8:32. Calling mistreatment 'love' doesn't make you compassionate; it makes the mistreatment harder to recognize. Romans 12:2 talks about being transformed by the renewing of your mind. That renewal is not repeating pleasant thoughts while denying reality—it's replacing manipulation, false guilt, and selective memory with God's truth. Your truth list might end with reminders like, 'Forgiveness does not require renewed access,' or 'Missing someone does not mean I should return.' Those are not bitter statements; they are boundary statements. And God honors boundaries. He doesn't ask you to participate in your own destruction.
Host
Amen to that. Now the fourth strategy is to delay contact for two minutes, then repeat. This is huge for practical recovery. When you're desperate to reach out, don't tell yourself 'I can never speak to them again'—that feels impossible in an activated moment. Just say, 'I will wait two minutes.' Put the phone face down, step away, don't check if they're online, don't reread old messages. And during that pause, take one physical action: walk into another room, drink water, text a safe friend, write the message in your notes without sending it. The goal isn't to prove you don't care; it's to put time between the urge and the behavior. Jake, what does Proverbs say about guarding your heart here?
Guest
Proverbs 4:23 says, 'Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.' Now, guarding is not hardening. A hardened heart refuses to love; a guarded heart uses wisdom about who receives access. Jesus loved people without making himself endlessly available to everyone. He withdrew, he set limits, and he walked away from those determined to harm him. That distance is not revenge—it's wisdom. Every time you experience the urge and don't act on it, you're practicing a new response. Healing often looks like hundreds of small, faithful decisions that no one sees, not one heroic breakthrough.
Host
And that brings us to the fifth way: replace the connection instead of just removing it. This is so important because a trauma bond leaves an empty space. If you only tell yourself 'don't call them,' your mind stays focused on them. Instead, give your nervous system somewhere safer to go. For two minutes, send a voice message to a safe friend, sit beside someone you trust, pet an animal, step outside and name five things you can see, play a song that reminds you of who you were before the relationship, or contact a counselor or support group. Jake, how do the scriptures speak to this idea of replacing harmful connection with healthy community?
Guest
Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 says, 'Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.' Galatians 6:2 tells us to carry each other's burdens. God often provides support through safe people, wise counselors, and healthy communities. You were never meant to heal in secrecy. Breaking the bond doesn't mean becoming cold or incapable of love—it means learning that comfort does not have to come from the same place as the pain. The need for connection is not the problem; the problem is being conditioned to seek connection from someone who repeatedly harms you.
Host
Jake, I have to push back a little here. Some people might hear all this and think, 'But doesn't the Bible teach unconditional love and turning the other cheek? Aren't boundaries a lack of grace?' I've heard that from well-meaning church folks. How do you respond to that tension between forgiveness, reconciliation, and self-protection?
Guest
Shannon, that's a critical question, and I'm glad you asked it because this is where so many Christians get stuck and stay in abusive situations. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Forgiveness can be offered by one person—it's releasing the debt, letting go of bitterness, and it's commanded. But reconciliation requires truth, repentance, accountability, safety, and consistent change. Jesus forgave from the cross, but he didn't reconcile with those who rejected him. He didn't chase after the rich young ruler who walked away. God does not ask you to enable unrepentant behavior or remain continually accessible to someone who is harming you. Boundaries are not unloving; they are the framework that allows love to exist without exploitation. In fact, true love sometimes says, 'I care about your soul, but I will not allow you to continue wounding me.' That's not a lack of grace—that's wisdom.
Host
That distinction is everything. And the statistics show how widespread this struggle is. While trauma bonding itself isn't a formal diagnosis, the CDC reports that almost half of women and men in the U.S. have experienced psychological aggression from an intimate partner. And the National Domestic Violence Hotline notes that survivors return to abusive partners an average of seven times before leaving permanently. That's not because they want to be abused—it's fear, financial dependence, isolation, hope, love, and safety concerns. And Christians face the added burden of feeling like separation is sinful. Jake, what would you say to the person who believes enduring mistreatment is proof of spiritual maturity?
Guest
I would say that's a lie from the pit of hell. Enduring mistreatment is not spiritual maturity—it's sometimes trauma bonding dressed up in religious language. Jesus was not a doormat. He overturned tables in the temple, he called out hypocrisy, and he didn't let people manipulate him. Second Timothy 1:7 says God gives us a sound mind. That sound mind includes recognizing that abuse is not God's will for you. God can love the abuser completely, but that doesn't mean you have to remain within reach of their destructive behavior. Two minutes at a time, you can teach your heart what your mind is slowly learning: peace is not the brief pause between episodes of pain. Real love does not require you to lose yourself to keep it.
Host
That's beautifully said. And you provided a two-minute prayer in the article, Jake. Would you mind leading us in that prayer right now, for everyone listening who might be in the middle of a wave?
Guest
Of course, Shannon. Let's pray together. 'Lord, You see the part of me that misses this person and the part of me that is afraid to return. Help me tell the truth about what happened. Calm my body, clear my mind, and strengthen me for the next right decision. Give me wisdom without shame, compassion without self-abandonment, and forgiveness without surrendering necessary boundaries. Lead me toward safe people, honest counsel, and the peace You desire for me. Amen.' And listen, if you're listening right now and that prayer resonated, please know two minutes still counts. You don't have to break the whole bond today—just interrupt the next urge. Breathe, pray, read your truth list, delay, and reach out to someone safe. God is with you in the small moments.
Host
Amen. That prayer is a lifeline. Jake, before we wrap up, is there anything else you want to remind our listeners about the spiritual side of this journey?
Guest
Yes, Shannon. I want to remind everyone that you are not alone, and you are not forgotten. The enemy wants you isolated and ashamed, but God has placed safe people in your path—counselors, pastors, advocates, friends. Reach out. And please, if you found this helpful, give us a thumbs up and share this podcast with someone who might need it. Subscribe on YouTube so you never miss an episode. And for more information about Shannon's upcoming books and resources, visit shannonalder.com. We love you, we're praying for you, and we'll be back with more encouragement next time.
Host
Thank you, Jake, for your wisdom and your heart. And thank you to everyone listening. Remember, healing doesn't happen all at once—it happens two minutes at a time. If you're in immediate danger, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE, or text START to 88788. You don't have to walk this road alone. I'm Shannon Alder, and until next time, protect your peace and keep choosing truth. God bless.