September 17, 2026
Host
Your phone lights up with their name. For one breathless second, you forget the lies, the humiliation, the silent treatment, and the promise you made to yourself never to answer again. Your heart races. Your stomach drops. One message—I miss you—feels powerful enough to erase six months of pain..... That is what makes a trauma bond so confusing. You are not weak, foolish, or lacking faith. Your nervous system has learned to associate the same person with both distress and relief...... Hi, this is Shannon Alder, host of the Toxic Podcast, life coach, and author of the book The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible. I am here today with Pastor Oakes, and we are diving into five ways to break a trauma bond in two minutes at a time. Pastor Oakes, welcome to the show.
Guest
Thank you, Shannon. It is an honor to be here. Trauma bonds are real and they are powerful, but God's grace is even more powerful. He meets us in the smallest moments of resistance, and those two-minute interruptions can become sacred spaces where healing begins. The Scripture says in Psalm 34 verse 18 that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted. When someone is reaching for a phone instead of reaching for God, we have to remember that God is already right there, waiting to steady their hand and calm their heart. We are not fighting this battle alone. The Holy Spirit gives us power, love, and a sound mind, even when our emotions feel like a storm. I am grateful for this conversation because so many people suffer in silence, believing they are crazy for loving someone who hurts them. But the truth is, their body and mind have been conditioned by cycles of abuse and relief, and breaking that pattern starts with tiny acts of obedience.
Host
That is so important, Pastor Oakes. Let's start with the first strategy from the article: name the feeling instead of obeying it. So many of us feel an urge and immediately act on it, whether that is texting, calling, or checking social media. But the article suggests setting a timer for two minutes and simply describing what is happening inside you without judgment. How does that relate to what you see from a spiritual perspective? Because I know many Christians feel guilt just for having those feelings in the first place.
Guest
Shannon, this is where we need to remember that God does not require polished emotions. David in the Psalms named his fear, anger, betrayal, loneliness, and grief without pretending everything was fine. When we put feelings into words, we create a small distance between what we feel and what we do. That is not weakness; that is wisdom. The Scripture says in Psalm 34 verse 18, the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, but closeness requires honesty. You cannot invite God into a feeling you refuse to acknowledge. So when someone says, I feel lonely, or I feel the urge to contact them, or I am afraid they will replace me, that is a form of prayer even before they say a word to God. It is bringing the truth of their condition into the light, and the enemy thrives in darkness. Naming the feeling is like turning on a lamp in a dark room. Then you can say, Lord, I feel lonely, frightened, and tempted to return. Help me tolerate this feeling without surrendering my safety. And God meets you right there.
Host
That makes so much sense. The article also mentions that brain-imaging research has found that putting feelings into words actually reduces activity in the amygdala, the emotional alarm center, and increases activity in the prefrontal cortex, which helps with regulation. So it is not just spiritual; it is physiological. Now, the second strategy is to take twelve slow breaths and pray. Can you walk us through how breathing and prayer work together for someone in that highly activated moment?
Guest
Absolutely. When the urge to call, text, or check social media hits, the nervous system is often in fight-or-flight mode. The heart is racing, the mind is spinning, and it feels like you have to act immediately. But slow breathing signals to your body that you are safe, even if your mind is screaming otherwise. The article suggests breathing in for four seconds and out for six seconds, about twelve times. That is not a magical formula, but it can lower the emotional intensity enough for you to choose your next step wisely. And pairing that with a breath prayer is powerful. As you breathe in, say God is with me. As you breathe out, say I do not have to respond. Or give me wisdom and lead me toward peace. Second Timothy 1 verse 7 reminds us that God's Spirit does not lead through terror but toward power, love, and a sound mind. A trauma response may feel urgent, but urgency is not always God's direction. So do not ask, how do I stop loving this person forever? Ask, can I breathe and pray before I respond?
Host
Pastor Oakes, I have heard some people say that breathing exercises and prayer are just Band-Aids that do not address the root problem of abuse. How do you respond to that criticism? Because I believe both can be true: you need safety planning and professional help, but you also need immediate regulation in the moment.
Guest
That is a fair challenge, Shannon, and I completely agree that two minutes of breathing does not erase an abusive pattern or make an unsafe person safe. If someone is being threatened, monitored, stalked, or physically harmed, they need a personalized safety plan and professional intervention, not just a breathing exercise. Prayer is valuable, but it should never replace calling 911 or contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline. However, what these two-minute practices do is interrupt the automatic habit that keeps pulling a person back. It is like a circuit breaker. It does not rewire the whole house, but it prevents an electrical fire in the moment. And spiritually, it creates a pause where the Holy Spirit can speak. Proverbs 4 verse 23 says to guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Guarding your heart is not the same as hardening it. A guarded heart uses wisdom about who receives access. A hardened heart refuses to love. God is not asking you to stop feeling; He is asking you to stop acting on every feeling without discernment.
Host
That is beautifully said. Now, the third strategy is to read a two-minute truth list. This one feels so practical because a trauma bond makes your mind replay the reunion while editing out the abuse. You remember the apology but forget what required it. You remember being held after the argument but forget being threatened during it. How would you guide someone to create that truth list from a biblical perspective?
Guest
The Bible says in John 8 verse 32 that you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. That freedom includes becoming honest about behavior that harmed you. Calling mistreatment love does not make you compassionate; it only makes the mistreatment harder to recognize. A truth list is not about forcing yourself to hate someone. It is about allowing the entire relationship into the room, not merely its most addictive moments. I would suggest writing down what happened, not what they later claimed happened. How did you feel most days in the relationship? What promises were repeatedly broken? What boundaries did they ignore? What did the relationship cost you emotionally, physically, financially, or spiritually? Why did you decide to leave or create distance? What have trustworthy people observed? And what should healthy love look like? Then when the urge to return hits, read that list for two minutes. Romans 12 verse 2 talks about being transformed by the renewing of your mind. Renewing your mind does not mean repeating pleasant thoughts while denying reality. It means replacing confusion, manipulation, and false guilt with truth. Forgiveness does not require renewed access. Missing someone does not mean you should return. A promise is not the same as lasting change. And God does not ask you to participate in your own destruction.
Host
That last line is so powerful. God does not ask you to participate in your own destruction. I think many Christians struggle with that, especially when they have been taught that enduring suffering is a sign of spiritual maturity. Moving on to the fourth strategy: delay contact for two minutes, then repeat. The article says to start with I will wait two minutes, not I can never speak to them again. Why is that framing so important?
Guest
Because when you are in a highly activated moment, saying never feels impossible, and that impossibility can lead to despair and then giving in. But two minutes is doable. You can put the phone face down. Step away from the messaging app. Do not check if they are online. Do not reread old conversations or look at photographs. Then take one physical action that moves you away from the automatic habit: walk into another room, drink a glass of water, block or mute the number if it is safe, text a trusted friend instead, place the phone somewhere less accessible, write the message in your notes without sending it, read a short passage of Scripture, or ask God for wisdom before taking action. The purpose is not to prove you no longer care. It is to place time between the urge and the behavior. Every time you experience an urge without acting on it, you practice a new response. Healing often looks less like one heroic decision and more like hundreds of faithful decisions no one else sees. Proverbs 4 verse 23 tells us to guard our hearts, and guarding includes creating distance from what keeps wounding us. Jesus Himself withdrew from crowds, refused manipulative demands, and walked away from people who were determined to harm Him. Distance can be an act of wisdom rather than revenge.
Host
I love that image of Jesus just walking away from people who were trying to manipulate Him. He did not feel obligated to be endlessly available. So many of us, especially women raised in certain church cultures, feel that setting boundaries is un-Christlike. Now the fifth strategy is to replace the connection instead of just removing it. Because if you only tell yourself do not call them, your mind stays stuck on them. What are some biblical ways to fill that empty space?
Guest
The need for connection is not the problem. The problem is being conditioned to seek connection from someone who repeatedly harms you. So give your nervous system and your heart somewhere safer to go. For two minutes, send a voice message to a safe friend. Sit beside someone you trust. Pet an animal. Step outside and name five things you can see. Read a prayer or grounding statement aloud. Play one song that reminds you who you were before the relationship. Write down one freedom you are rebuilding. Contact a counselor, pastor, advocate, or support group member. Ask someone trustworthy to pray with you. Ecclesiastes 4 verses 9 through 10 says two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. Galatians 6 verse 2 tells believers to carry each other's burdens. God often provides support through safe people, wise counselors, trained advocates, and healthy communities. You were never meant to heal in secrecy. Breaking the bond does not mean becoming cold or detached. It means learning that comfort does not have to come from the same place as the pain.
Host
Pastor Oakes, the statistics from the article are staggering. The CDC defines psychological aggression as verbal or nonverbal communication intended to cause emotional harm or exert control. And almost half of women and men in the United States have experienced psychological aggression from an intimate partner during their lifetime. The National Domestic Violence Hotline also reports that survivors return to abusive partners an average of seven times before leaving permanently. Seven times! That is not because they want to be abused. There is fear, financial dependence, isolation, children, threats, hope, love, and safety concerns. As a pastor, what do you say to Christians who feel that returning is a spiritual obligation because of forgiveness and marriage vows?
Guest
Shannon, this breaks my heart because I have seen too many believers stay in destructive relationships because they were taught that boundaries are unforgiving, separation is sinful, or enduring mistreatment is proof of spiritual maturity. But Scripture does not require you to deny the truth, enable unrepentant behavior, or remain continually accessible to someone who is harming you. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not identical. Forgiveness can be offered by one person, but reconciliation requires truth, repentance, accountability, safety, and consistent change. Jesus loved people without making Himself endlessly available to everyone. He often withdrew to lonely places to pray. He did not chase after those who rejected Him. And He never told a woman caught in adultery to go back to the man who abused her. In Mark 6, when people in His hometown rejected Him, He moved on. That is not unforgiveness; that is wisdom. If someone is in immediate danger, please prioritize safety. Call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. Prayer is valuable, but it should not replace a safety plan.
Host
Thank you for that clarity. Pastor Oakes, before we close, would you lead our listeners in a two-minute prayer? I know many of them are in the middle of this struggle right now, and they need to hear a voice that speaks God's truth over their pain.
Guest
Absolutely. Let us pray. Lord, You see the part of me that misses this person and the part of me that is afraid to return. Help me tell the truth about what happened. Calm my body, clear my mind, and strengthen me for the next right decision. Give me wisdom without shame, compassion without self-abandonment, and forgiveness without surrendering necessary boundaries. Lead me toward safe people, honest counsel, and the peace You desire for me. Amen. And I want to ask our listeners to give us a thumbs up and share this podcast with someone who needs it. Subscribe on YouTube and visit shannonalder.com for more information about upcoming books and resources that can help you on this journey. You are not alone.
Host
Amen. And that is the heart of today's episode. Two minutes will not break the entire trauma bond, but two minutes can interrupt the next text. Two minutes can protect the boundary you nearly abandoned. Two minutes can remind your nervous system that discomfort is survivable. And two minutes at a time, you can begin teaching your heart what your mind is slowly learning: peace is not the brief pause between episodes of pain. Real love does not require you to lose yourself to keep it. God can love a person completely without asking you to remain within reach of their destructive behavior. Thank you for listening to the Toxic Podcast. I am Shannon Alder, and I will see you next time. Be blessed and stay safe.