October 6, 2026
Host
You did not intend to become a detective. You wanted love. But you ended up at 11:47 PM, enlarging a restaurant photo to identify a woman in the window. The FBI has fewer open tabs. Welcome to the Toxic Relationships Podcast. I'm Shannon Alder, life coach and author of The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible. Today: 5 Ways to Stop Checking His Social Media with God's Help. With pastor Jake O'Connell. Jake, welcome back.
Guest
I am glad to be here again. That opening hits home. Many of us have been that detective, searching for clues in social media. It's exhausting and painful.
Host
Before we dive in, subscribe on YouTube. Visit shannonalder.com for 20% off my next book, coming July 2027. Now, let's talk about the pain underneath the checking.
Guest
The pain deserves tenderness. Whether you're checking a former boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, you may be looking for proof that you mattered—or reassurance you haven't been replaced. But repeatedly checking accounts that leave you anxious, ashamed, or unable to sleep is unhealthy.
Host
It keeps directing your attention toward someone whose behavior already hurt you. And low self-esteem can be part of what keeps that pattern going. You begin looking to their attention, regret, or loneliness for confirmation of your value.
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Even people who feel confident in other areas can lose confidence after a painful relationship. You may also be holding a frightening belief: 'I will never find anyone better.' But that is a fear, not a prophecy. God sees possibilities you cannot see from your bedroom at midnight.
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You are worth more than the treatment you accepted. You are capable of choices that protect your dignity. And with God's help, you can stop handing your peace to someone else's latest post. Here are five ways to begin.
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First, bring the question underneath the checking to God. Before you reach for your phone, ask: 'What am I hoping this search will tell me?' Perhaps you want to know whether they are dating someone.
Host
But underneath that is: 'Was I easy to replace?' Perhaps you want to know whether they mention you. Underneath that is: 'Did I matter?' Those questions are too important to leave in the hands of a comment section.
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A vacation photograph cannot explain a betrayal. It is not qualified. Psalm 62:8 invites us to trust God and pour out our hearts before Him. You can say, 'Lord, I want them to miss me. I feel forgotten. I am afraid their life is better without me.'
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God does not require a polished prayer. Bring Him the embarrassing, unfinished truth. Then consider what Scripture says about your worth. Psalm 139:14 describes you as wonderfully made. Ephesians 2:10 calls believers God's workmanship, created in Christ for good works.
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And Romans 5:8 points to God's love demonstrated through Christ before we could earn it. Your value does not begin when somebody chooses you. It does not disappear when somebody leaves. A deleted photograph changes a profile. It does not erase your humanity, your gifts, or God's love for you.
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When you ask, 'What is God's opinion of my worth?' look at the care Scripture describes. You are someone He made, knows, and loves. You can acknowledge mistakes without treating yourself as disposable. You can miss someone without concluding they were your last chance at love.
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Write this somewhere you will see it: 'My worth is not waiting for their reaction.' Then pray before you search. Let God meet the deeper need you have been asking their account to satisfy. That's the first way.
Host
Second, guard your heart with a real boundary. Proverbs 4:23 tells us to guard our hearts diligently because our lives flow from them. That wisdom applies to the things we repeatedly allow into our thoughts.
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If checking their account reliably leads to an hour of comparison, tears, and imaginary arguments, the pattern is hurting you. Calling it 'just being curious' does not make the consequences disappear. Be honest: 'I keep doing something that leaves me feeling worse.' Then make it harder to do.
Host
Unfollow. Mute. Block if necessary. Clear the search history. Remove saved links. Take the app off your home screen. Remember the side entrances. Blocking your ex while checking their best friend every evening is like locking the front door and crawling through the bathroom window. You still got inside.
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Ask friends to stop sending updates. Say, 'I know you mean well, but hearing about their life keeps pulling me back. Please don't send me their posts.' You do not need a volunteer surveillance department. A boundary does not mean you have stopped caring. Sometimes you need it because you care so much that access keeps overwhelming you.
Host
First Corinthians 6:12 contains Paul's determination not to be mastered by anything. Although the passage addresses a different situation, that principle offers a useful question here: 'Has this habit begun controlling my attention?' Can you enjoy dinner without checking? Can you sleep? Can you hear a notification without hoping it involves them?
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If the habit is taking over, act. You are capable of living with greater freedom than this. That does not mean you are above feeling grief. It means grief does not have to dictate every action. If you share children or necessary business, maintain a clear channel for practical communication.
Host
Coordinating a school pickup does not require investigating who stood beside them at a barbecue. Choose a concrete boundary: 'For the next thirty days, I will not visit their account or ask someone else to check it.' Ask God to help you keep that promise when loneliness arrives.
Guest
That's the second way. But I want to challenge something, Shannon. You mentioned blocking as a boundary. Isn't that just avoiding the problem? Shouldn't we forgive and forget?
Host
That's a great question, Jake. But boundaries aren't about avoiding; they're about protecting your heart so you can heal. Forgiveness doesn't require unlimited access. You can forgive someone and still choose not to follow their life online. It's about stewardship of your own soul.
Guest
I see. That makes sense. Boundaries can be an act of love—for yourself and even for the other person, because you're not feeding resentment. So the second way is about guarding your heart with wisdom.
Host
Third, challenge the belief that you will never find anyone better. This belief can make a harmful relationship look like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You remember the charming beginning. The attention. The chemistry. The moment you thought, 'Finally, someone understands me.'
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Then your mind quietly removes the humiliation, uncertainty, and nights spent wondering what you did wrong. It presents a romantic highlight reel with the consequences edited out. No wonder you keep watching. But ask yourself what 'better' actually means. Does it mean more dramatic compliments? Or does it mean honesty? Consistency? Kindness during disagreement? Respect for your boundaries?
Host
Someone whose affection does not require you to abandon yourself? A healthy relationship has room for ordinary peace. You can eat dinner without analyzing the punctuation in a text. You can disagree without wondering whether love will be withdrawn. Low self-esteem can convince you that basic respect is too much to expect.
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But Scripture gives you a different standard. First Corinthians 13 describes love through patience, kindness, truth, and a refusal to insist selfishly on its own way. No relationship will express those qualities perfectly. Still, those qualities matter. Intense attraction does not excuse repeated cruelty. Being wanted does not automatically mean being loved well.
Host
And the fear that nobody else will want you cannot tell the future. You do not need to promise yourself a perfect partner. You need to stop declaring that a harmful relationship was the best life could offer. God has not told you that. Psalm 84:11 speaks of His generosity toward those who walk uprightly. That is reason to trust His goodness, even when you cannot predict what His provision will look like.
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Your next season may include deeper friendships, healing, meaningful work, renewed faith, or eventually a healthier relationship. You do not have to know which blessing comes first. You can believe your life still holds good things. That's the third way.
Host
Fourth, trust God with the future you cannot see. Checking can create the illusion that gathering enough information will make you safe. 'If I know who they are seeing, I can prepare.' 'If I know what they are saying, I can defend myself.' But another detail often produces another question.
Guest
You find the woman's name. Now you need to know how they met. You find a photograph. Now you need to know who took it. The investigation keeps expanding. Peace keeps getting postponed. Proverbs 3:5–6 calls us to trust the Lord rather than rely entirely on our own understanding, acknowledging Him as we move through life.
Host
Trust does not mean ignoring facts. It means accepting that you do not have to know everything to take a wise next step. God knows the parts of your future you cannot see. He can be at work through opportunities, relationships, and changes you have not encountered yet. Ephesians 2:10 speaks of good works God prepared beforehand for His people to walk in.
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There is purpose ahead of you. You may not know its shape yet. You may be waiting for a romantic reunion while God is drawing your attention toward something else that deserves your care. Have faith that He can lead you without showing you the entire route.
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Jeremiah 29:11 originally addressed a community facing a long exile. Its hope came in the middle of a difficult season, not through an immediate escape from it. That context matters. Trusting God does not guarantee that next Tuesday someone handsome will arrive carrying flowers and excellent communication skills.
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It means you can endure uncertainty without treating it as proof that God has forgotten you. Matthew 6:34 teaches us not to carry tomorrow's worries into today. Today, you can put down the phone. Today, you can eat, rest, pray, and fulfill one responsibility. Today, you can leave some questions unanswered.
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God can work beyond what you currently understand. Your limited view is not the limit of His care. That's the fourth way.
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Fifth, give your attention a new home—and get support. Stopping the checking leaves an empty space. That space needs care. If you have spent an hour every evening watching their life, decide where that hour will go.
Host
Call a trustworthy friend. Take a walk. Read a Psalm. Return to a hobby. Attend a church group. Work on something meaningful. Make the action small enough to repeat. You do not have to become a marathon runner by Thursday. Walking to the mailbox without opening their profile is progress.
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Philippians 4:8 encourages us to attend to what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, and worthy of praise. This does not ask you to pretend the relationship never hurt. It invites you to give attention to more than the hurt. There are people who love you without requiring an investigation. There are abilities you have barely explored. There are ordinary moments you have been missing while scrutinizing someone else's photographs.
Host
Ask, 'What would respecting myself look like tonight?' Perhaps it looks like sleep. Perhaps it looks like keeping a promise to your children. Perhaps it looks like speaking to a counselor about why rejection has begun to feel like evidence that you are unlovable. If checking feels difficult to control or is disrupting your daily life, seek support from a qualified therapist. Prayer and practical help can work together.
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If you slip, close the app and begin again. Do not turn one check into a six-hour investigation because you think you have already failed. Romans 8:1 reminds believers that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. You can take responsibility without attacking yourself.
Host
Keep a small list of what you did instead of checking: 'I called my friend.' 'I finished a project.' 'I felt sad and prayed.' 'I went to sleep.' Those choices are how you start coming back to your own life.
Guest
That's the fifth way. Now, let's pray together. Heavenly Father, You know why I keep looking. You know the rejection I fear and the answers I hope to find. Help me stop asking another person's attention to determine my worth. Remind me that I am Your workmanship, wonderfully made and loved. Give me courage to guard my heart. Help me challenge the belief that this person was my last chance at love or happiness. Teach me to trust Your care when I cannot see what comes next. Guide me toward the people, purposes, and opportunities You have for me. When I feel the urge to check, help me pause, pray, and choose something that supports my healing. Give me faith to leave unanswered questions with You. In Jesus' name, amen.
Host
Amen. Tonight, you do not have to identify the mysterious sleeve. You do not have to interrogate Vanessa. You do not have to discover whether the decorative napkin has romantic intentions. You can put down the phone while you still miss them. You can protect your peace while you still feel uncertain. You matter even if they never mention you again. And you have a future that cannot be measured by what appears on their screen.
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Have faith. God sees beyond this painful chapter. Let Him help you turn the page.
Host
Thank you for listening to the Toxic Relationships Podcast. Remember to subscribe on YouTube and visit shannonalder.com for 20% off my next book coming in July 2027. Until next time, take care of your heart.