September 30, 2026
Host
Welcome everyone to The Toxic Relationships Podcast. I'm Shannon Alder, life coach and author of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible, and with me is my co-host Jake O'Connel. Jake, we all know that feeling: wanting one honest conversation, just a simple admission of wrongdoing. But when a narcissist gives no closure, the silence or the ever-shifting stories can leave you rereading old messages at midnight. Today we're breaking down five ways to heal without that apology, rooted in self-respect, boundaries, and faith.
Guest
Right, Shannon. And that longing is so real. You rehearse what you'd say, you think maybe if you ask more gently or wait a little longer, something will click. But what happens when the person who caused the wound refuses to acknowledge it? How do you heal when the apology never comes? We're going to talk about how to move forward anyway, and honestly, that's where the healing starts.
Host
Exactly. Point number one: stop making their honesty a requirement for your peace. You may have explained yourself beautifully, been patient and fair, but their refusal doesn't mean you failed to communicate. Sometimes we keep searching for the perfect wording because we'd rather believe it's a communication problem than accept that the other person is unwilling to take responsibility. A communication problem sounds fixable, but you cannot do both sides of an honest conversation. You can ask a question; you cannot manufacture a truthful answer.
Guest
That's so important, and Scripture backs it up. Romans 12:18 says, 'If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.' Notice those limits. Peace does not depend entirely on you. Scripture recognizes that your willingness cannot guarantee another person's cooperation. You can speak respectfully and still receive cruelty. You can offer a reasonable opportunity for repair and still encounter denial.
Host
um So here's a practical step for today: write this sentence, 'I can make decisions based on what happened, even when they refuse to explain it.' Then list three things you know from their behavior. Keep it factual. You're giving yourself something steady to return to when longing starts editing the past. It's about trusting your own experience. Self-respect begins when you stop treating their acknowledgment as the permission slip you need to trust what you already know.
Guest
I love that because you can't do both sides of an honest conversation. You can ask a question, but you can't manufacture a truthful answer. You can explain the impact of their behavior, but you cannot make them care about that impact. You know you were repeatedly insulted, promises were broken, you felt afraid to bring up ordinary concerns. You may never know every motive, but you can still respond to what happened.
Host
Moving to point two: grieve what you lost without turning it into a verdict on your worth. Often the pain reaches beyond losing the person. You're grieving the future you pictured, the marriage you thought you were building, the mother you hoped would become emotionally safe, the friendship you believed could survive an honest disagreement. You're also grieving the conversation you imagined would put everything right. That's a real loss.
Guest
um And faith does not require you to pretend it barely hurt. In John 11:35, Jesus wept. He entered the grief of people He loved. His tears did not reveal weak faith. You can trust God and still cry in the grocery store because a song comes on between the bananas and the paper towels. Healing does not always have excellent timing.
Host
But as you grieve, pay attention to the meaning you attach to their refusal. 'They didn't apologize' can quietly become 'I wasn't worth apologizing to.' 'They walked away' becomes 'I am easy to abandon.' Those conclusions turn another person's behavior into your identity. Their unwillingness to repair harm tells you about their willingness to repair harm. It does not measure your value before God. Try dividing a page into two columns. In the first, write what you lost: companionship, trust, a hoped-for future. In the second, write what remains yours: your dignity, your values, your ability to love, your right to make choices, your relationship with God. Let yourself mourn the first column without surrendering the second.
Guest
And when you pray, be honest. Say, 'Lord, I miss them. I also remember why this relationship hurt. Help me hold both truths.' You don't have to make someone a monster before you're allowed to admit that being close to them was damaging. Psalm 34:18 describes the Lord as close to the brokenhearted. You do not have to finish grieving before you can draw near to Him.
Host
Now point three: set boundaries that give your heart room to heal. It's difficult to recover from a painful relationship when the relationship keeps reopening the wound. You decide to move forward, then a message arrives: 'Thinking about you.' Four words, and suddenly your entire afternoon belongs to someone who would not give you four minutes of accountability.
Guest
That's where discernment comes in. John 2:24 shows Jesus choosing not to entrust Himself to certain people. That passage is not a detailed guide to every relationship, but it shows that love and discernment can coexist. You can wish someone well and limit their access to your life. You can pray for them without answering every message. You can remain civil without becoming emotionally available. Forgiveness does not automatically restore trust or access.
Host
Before responding to that message, pause and ask: Does it address what happened? Does it show respect for my boundaries? Is there evidence of change, or does it simply restore access to you? A boundary might sound like: 'I'm willing to discuss practical matters. I won't continue conversations that include insults.' Or if you share children or other responsibilities, it may mean keeping communication brief, written, and focused on those responsibilities.
Guest
um And you don't need to persuade them that your boundary is fair before you follow it. They may dislike it. They may call it selfish. They may suddenly become deeply interested in your Christianity. Apparently, some people discover the importance of forgiveness precisely when they encounter a consequence. But you can remain civil without becoming emotionally available. Choose one boundary this week that protects a vulnerable part of your healing, and then decide how you will follow through. A boundary becomes useful when it changes what you do.
Host
Point four: bring your unanswered questions to God, and take the next faithful step. When a relationship ends without closure, unanswered questions can become exhausting. Why did they promise so much? Did they ever love me? Why did God allow this? You can bring those questions to Him. The Psalms contain cries of confusion, grief, and longing. Honest prayer has room for what you cannot understand.
Guest
Right, and James 1:5 invites us to ask God for wisdom. Wisdom can help you decide what to do today, even when you do not know why everything happened yesterday. Your prayer might become: 'God, help me recognize what is healthy. Give me courage to act on what I already know.' Then take a concrete step. Keep the counseling appointment. Tell a trustworthy friend what has been happening. Return to an activity you abandoned. Eat a proper meal. Rest. These actions can be part of caring for the life God has given you.
Host
um But be careful about treating every coincidence as an instruction to reconnect. Their name appeared somewhere. Your song played. They sent a message just after you prayed. Those moments may feel meaningful, but they do not establish repentance. Look for conduct: honest acknowledgment, respect for your freedom, willingness to repair harm, and consistent change over time. You do not have to rush. Faith can look like waiting long enough to observe clearly, or it can look like accepting that you have enough information to step away.
Guest
Exactly. Wisdom isn't just about seeking an answer. It's about acting on what you already know, even when the full explanation never comes. Faith does not guarantee that you will discover every hidden motive or understand every painful event. Sometimes you move forward with questions still unanswered, and that's okay. You can trust God with the unknown while making decisions based on the known.
Host
Finally, point five: build a life where your self-respect has somewhere to grow. After a painful relationship, you may spend so much time studying the other person that you lose contact with yourself. You know their moods, habits, excuses, and likely reactions. But what do you enjoy? What do you want your days to feel like? What matters to you when nobody is pressuring you to prove your loyalty? These questions help you begin rebuilding.
Guest
Start small. Keep one promise to yourself. If you say you will stop checking their page before bed, follow through tonight. If you need companionship, make plans with someone who treats you kindly. If you miss writing, gardening, walking, or laughing without monitoring someone's mood, make room for that again. Matthew 22:39 calls us to love our neighbor as ourselves. Christian love gives us reason to care about other people; it also leaves room for care toward ourselves. You are someone whose well-being matters.
Host
As you rebuild, make room for forgiveness at an honest pace. You can work toward releasing vengeance without denying the injury or reopening the relationship. Romans 12:19 calls believers away from personal vengeance. You can entrust judgment to God while continuing to make careful decisions about contact. You do not have to spend the rest of your life prosecuting the case in your mind. You can remember enough to protect yourself and gradually make room for other things: joy, friendship, purpose, quiet evenings, relationships where an ordinary question does not become a three-hour trial.
Guest
That's the path to peace, Shannon. You may never receive the conversation you deserved, but you can begin healing with the truth you already have, the support available to you, and the faith that God hears you even when someone else refuses to listen. Surround yourself with people who offer kindness, honesty, and care. Teach yourself to receive that care and to extend it to yourself. When answers don't come, guide your next step and keep building a life rooted in faith, dignity, and peace.
Host
Amen. Heavenly Father, help us grieve honestly without mistaking rejection for a judgment on our worth. Give us wisdom to set boundaries and courage to keep them. Surround us with people who offer kindness, honesty, and care. And when answers don't come, guide our next step. If this encouraged you, subscribe to The Toxic Relationships Podcast and share it with someone still waiting for an apology. And don't forget: subscribe on shannonalder.com to get 20% off my new book coming July 2027. Join our Facebook tribe, Staying Positive University, and subscribe on YouTube. I'm Shannon Alder, and thank you for being here.
Guest
Thanks for having me, Shannon. And to everyone listening, remember: healing doesn't wait for the apology. It starts with the truth you already have, the support you allow in, and the faith that God is with you every step. We'll see you next time on The Toxic Relationships Podcast. God bless.